My Life Changed This Weekend

I learned the most important thing this weekend...Love and relationships will never work if they are one sided, but when the feelings are equally reciprocated then it is the most beautiful thing.

I have been the kind of guy that gets crushes on women and then rejected by them for most of my life. Last week I decided to drop all my crushes and think higher of myself in knowing that I am a great catch and I should not be the only one that thinks so. Therefore I will wait for a girl to show interest in me first before I allow myself to crush on her. What I did not expect was for her to find me 5 days later lol.

I meet this girl on MyYearBook.com and we had talked a little here and there but not much. On Friday night I decided to make a joke on one of her posts and she found out I lived in her town, so we started talking. Needless to say that 12 hours later we were both well on our way to falling for each other hard and fast.

I believe in soul mates and have seen couples that I consider to be soul mates. But, I had no idea that it could feel like this and this fast. She compliments me so perfectly in most ways and in the past 3 days I have spent most of my time talking to her. She has totally blown me away and we both have grown feelings for each other at the same time intervals. Experiencing a parallel emotional connection with someone that strong is mind boggling! We both agree that it just feels natural and right and I am so excited for what is to come.

Many of my friends are worried about me because of how attached I got to people in the past, but the difference here is that she feels the same as I do and it is not one sided this time. It feels different, it feels right, it feels real...

May this new chapter in my life begin the happiest memories I will ever have and I think that when I look back on my life as an old man that I will see Dec 2nd, 2011 as the greatest life changing moment of my life. I am looking forward to what is to come baby!

*Muah and Hugz* To Jenniffer, the owner of my heart ;)

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 11/20/2011

I went from Manic to the deep depression cycle in about 2 hours tonight and I was prepared for it. I usually get a day or two of normal to mentally prepare for it. For those of you that find yourself in this position often or not often but want to know what to do...Listen to the music that reflects your emotion, even if it is not the normal music you listen to it. Theses are some of the songs that reflect my emotion and mental imagry:

Cold - Bleed
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkbQDChgmX8&ob=av2e
Cold - Stupid Girl
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGT1QRyVYvY&feature=relmfu
Chevelle - The Red
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trinU3VD1Zo&ob=av2e
Five Finger Death Punch - Under and Over it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLk75fFXqH4&ob=av2e
Slipknot - Duality
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fVE8kSM43I&feature=related
Marylin Manson - Beautiful People
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ypkv0HeUvTc
Lamb of God - Walk with me in Hell
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWkhCxCcWSE&ob=av2n

Music is a great way of releasing aggression without hurting anyone

Watching From The Outside

I am but a hub
The station to get you where your going
I am but a magnet
The force that brings others together
I am but entertainment
To cure boredom when none other shall

I wish to be the final destination
I wish to be the main attraction
I wish to not be the last resort

Matt Steininger

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/14/2011

Today is proof that bipolar can hit you at anytime and take the smallest things and blow them out of proportions in your mind. I started out today in the best of moods, but things happened that made me think about my 'friend zone' curse. I love my female friends, I have a lot of them and they are all special to me.

Message to female friends:
     Thank you all for being there for me when I need you. You have all been wonderfully supportive through my down times and I really appreciate you all. You are all close to my heart and I don't know what I would do without you.

With that being said, I am tired of becoming the instant 'friend zone' friend with every woman I meet. Just once can't I find someone that see's me for who I really am and will take the chance on me to want me as I have wanted so many women before? I love my 'friend zone' female friends, but over the past 25 years there has only been 3 women that took that leap, and although it didn't work out, I am still good friends with them. I know one day I will meet the woman that joyfully grabs my heart and runs with it, I just wish it was sooner then it actually will be. I am tired of being the constant 'friend' and would like more. My biggest problem is the women that want more only want sex and are not interested in the rest or they don't match me well enough personality wise for it to work.

I am always waiting for that "one day" when I will find her. But, after 25 years I am tired of waiting. I think I will give up for a while and not try to meet new women. So, those of you that are already my friends I thank you for your support and love, for those of you that I don't know, I probably will not try to date you because I don't want to go through all the emotional shit that comes with being rejected anymore. Any new women I meet I will just assume automatically that I am already in the 'friend zone'.

Not sure how I will get out of this self destructive cycle yet. But, I have to protect myself from pain. When I do figure it out or have some answers then I will be sure to post it for you all.

Until then, sleep well everyone and see you tomorrow.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/06/2011

The past couple of months I have tried taking Niacinamide in an attempt to help with my depression cycle. It is a B vitamin that is a natural way of increasing serotonin in the brain. One of the known problems with Bipolar people is that our bodies go through B vitamins very quickly and we need supplements. The good thing about Nacinamide is that it is not expensive and has no side effects. But, you don't want to take more then 20,000 mg a day, after 40,000 mg a day it can become toxic.

What I did was start with 500 mg a day and increased it until I noticed a difference. Right now I take around 4500 a day and in the past 4 cycles my depression has either been small or non-existent. I truly believe that I found an answer to the depression that plague's all Bipolar people and I have been consistently happier in the past 2 months then I ever have before, even when I was on Tegretol.

Being happy more often is also helping all of the other aspects in my life. I am very optimistic about the future and excited for what is in store for me.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 07/11/2011

I am a true believer in the concept of "temporary insanity" and my weekend is my proof of that. In three days I managed to dive into the darkest parts of my mind and was lost to them. In my insanity I have wronged some people, annoyed others, and depressed even more. I feel truly sorry for my actions and wish the people I have wronged can find a way to forgive me one day. The following is not an excuse for my actions, I take full responsibility for them and any future consequences because of them. I am writing this to help people that have loved ones with Bipolar in understanding where their mind is during these times and for those with Bipolar to be able to avoid the mistakes I have made.

On Thursday I started a quick dive depression that hit me too fast for me to control and the Bipolar won. My pain felt unbearable at the time and I decided to drink alcohol to try and get some relief or at least not care anymore. This started a three day alcohol binge that progressively made my depression worse. By Saturday night I was living in a constant state of rage, disgust, and intense hatred for myself. I contemplated suicide, but I am not able to do it. I have contemplated suicide before, I never tried because I see it as giving up and I don't like to give up. Also, I would not want to put my loved ones through that. I may have had in an insane powerful hatred for myself, but I didn't want anyone else to know about it. Everyone has felt depressed, rage, disgust, and intense hatred before and maybe even towards themselves. But, because of the alcohol and having fallen into the darkest places of my mind I started to find joy from the rage and hatred. In my insanity I thought that suicide was not fun enough and too quick, I thought it would be more fun to start a fight with multiple people and cause pain in the hopes that they will kill me and take me out of my misery. This was my mindset on Saturday night.

I could not drive anywhere, so I decided to blast death metal from my car that night and drink outside in the hopes that someone would start a fight with me. Instead I was saved by three neighborhood kids that heard the music and came over without any fear of my drunkenness to ask me about it. I started talking about my love of metal for a while and later after I lit up a cigarette my rage and hate had turned into a protective state of mind. Okay, let me back track a bit on that to explain why that happened. My mom's side of the family has had many abusive people in it, some alcoholics, some not. But, growing up I would witness my cousins and aunts get beat and berated for no reason, that gave me a core disgust for people that would ever physically harm a woman or a child. So, when I lit that cigarette I became protective of these kids and started telling them to never smoke, that I hate it, it smells, tastes bad, is disgusting, and extremely hard to quite. After talking to them for about an hour about all kinds of things and probably convincing them to stay away from alcohol also. I turned off the music and went to bed. On Sunday I was severely dehydrated and spent the day at my parents house to be in a safe place that was familiar, I started eating again and hydrating myself. By Monday morning I was feeling better and now I am back to my old self. I am still coming out of the depression, but it is manageable now.

To people that have Bipolar, it is not a good idea to drink alcohol if you are in your depression cycle especially if it is an uncontrolled depression. Even in a controlled depression I would not have more then a couple of drinks and never pass tipsy. Learn from my mistakes, alcohol promotes the depression, it may feel good at first, but if you can't stop in an attempt to continue the relieving feeling then it will push your mind into places you do not want to be. I am a fucking idiot, do not be me.

Race: The Cultural Misnomer

Race: The Cultural Misnomer

By

Matt Steininger

I grew up in Silver Spring, MD in the Washington D.C. Metro area. The culture there is separated in equal amounts of black and white skinned people, some separated by economic class but there is also a blending of the two in other areas. I was raised by my parents to be what they called, “color blind.” They wanted my brother and I to treat everyone the same as we would want to be treated by them, regardless of the color of their skin. As I got older and learned more about genetics, philosophy, and culture I realized that there is no such thing as race and the differences people associate with “race” are actually economic cultural differences. Any person that grows up in a specific culture will have those differences, but skin color has nothing to do with it.

The area of Silver Spring is a mixed culture of middle class. We were apart of the lower middle class culture. Cultures are more based on economics then race. In fact there really is no such thing as race. All humans are 99.9% genetically the same. The ideology of “race” is a fairly new idea and was created by slave owners near the end of the 18^th century. There was anti-slavery pressure coming from Europe and the slave owners had to come up with something to justify slavery. They did this by exploiting differences between different ethic heritages and colors, they explained this difference as race. The idea of race had became ingrained in the minds of Americans and spread to the rest of the world to explain differences in culture everywhere. This idea was taken by Hitler during Wold War II and he had many scientific studies done on the Jewish people to prove racial differences are physical and mental. Because the idea of race became so ingrained in our minds people started to separate each other based on race and forcing others into a racial box that over time became a cultural difference. If you forcefully separate a group of people then eventually they will create their own culture based on their economic status, location, politics, and treatment by others.

The American Anthropological Association (AAA) had written a paper on their opinions of race. They say, “Biophysical diversity has no inherent social meaning except what we humans confer upon it.” (American Anthropological Association). So, if race has no inherent social meaning then what creates this social meaning. The AAA says, “...we conclude that the concept of “race” has no validity as a biological category in the human species. Because it homogenizes widely varying individuals into limited categories, it impedes research and understanding of the true nature of human biological variations.” (American Anthropological Association). A persons economic status will create differences in culture, not their color or ethnic heritage.

The area I grew up in was a lower middle class culture. In a low income culture everyone is trying to find ways to make money and survive, there are usually underground economies of drugs, porn, and black market merchandise. Bourgois, did an anthropological study on this type of culture in New York and he describes the mindset of those areas well by saying, “Regular displays of violence are necessary for success in the underground economy – especially the street-level drug dealing world. Violence is essential for maintaining credibility and for preventing rip-offs by colleagues, customers, and intruders. Thus behavior that appears irrationally violent and self-destructive to the middle- or working-class outsider can be interpreted, according to the logic of the underground economy, as judicious public relations.” (Bourgois). My area was mixed with white and black people that were just like that. In the D.C. Metro area there is what I call a “prison mentality” and in school when a group of kids wants to be feared by everyone else they will take out the biggest and toughest guy to establish dominance. I was the biggest guy and would get jumped and verbally degraded on a regular basis so that this group could keep their dominance over the other kids in the school.

Culture has nothing to do with color. I have seen white people that grew up in poor areas with black people and their culture was just as Bourgois described. I have also see black people that grew up in upper middle class or wealthy cultures and they adopted what would be considered a “white” culture. Kottak says, “Every person begins immediately, through a process of conscious and unconscious learning and interaction with others, to internalize, or incorporate, a cultural tradition through the process of enculturation.” (Kottak). Our society tries to keep these economic cultures true by making it extremely difficult for anyone to change their economic status. Dworkin agrees by saying, “In the real world people do not start their lives on equal terms. For luck (e.g. of inherited genes, or of educational privilege) can play a devastating role in deciding who gets or keeps the best jobs.” (Dworkin)

I first moved to Longmont, Colorado, when I was 16 years old and I had a culture shock. Longmont was a middle class rural culture of mostly white people. Actually I didn't see a black person in Longmont until three months after living there. Because the area was prominently white and middle class the culture was naive and believed that race created cultures and not economics or politics. I would meet many people that would assume that people were black or white when I told stories of growing up in Silver Spring. When I would tell someone that I was jumped and made fun of on a regular basis they would assume they were black and if I told a story about a friend they would assume they were white. If someone was violent or mean they assumed they were black and if they were nice then they assumed they were white. I had to point out multiple times that there were also violent white people and nice black people. The concept of race had nothing to do with it. We are all the product of the culture we grew up in and learned. If a person is white and grows up in a low economic class then they will act accordingly and usually be more violent to hold onto the credibility needed for that culture. Also, if a person is black and grows up in a middle or high economic class then they will be nicer and calmer because they do not have the stresses of a low economic class. This is evident when a black person of low economic class meet another black person of high economic class, they will consider them to be acting “white.” This is also evident when a white person of high economic class meets a white person of low economic class, they will consider them to be acting “black” and have nick names for them like “wigger.”

Culture is everywhere and is different depending on the area you are in. Many things can create a culture like, location, economic status, politics, and available resources. But, the color of a person's skin or their ethnic heritage does not create culture. Culture cannot be genetically inherited, it must be learned and experienced.

Bibliography:

American Anthropological Association, . "Official Statement on "Race"." Anthropology Newsletter. 38.6 (1997). Print.

Kottak, Conrad Phillip. Mirror for Humanity. 7th ed. New York, NY: McGraw Hill, 2010. 236-257. Print.

Bourgis, Phillippe. In Search of Respect: Selling Crack in El Barrio. 2nd ed. New York, NY: Cambridge University Press, 2003. Print.

Dworkin, Ronald. A Matter of Principle. New York, NY: Harvard University Press, 1985. 205-213. Print.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 06/02/2011

My Bipolar depressions usually only last a day, maybe two. Sometimes outside sources like stress or events can trigger a depression and my Bipolar will exploit it, feed off it, and make it last longer. I have enough energy to fight it for 3 days, today is the 4th day...After 3 days my mind gives up and just accepts the depressive thoughts and all I can do is wait until the chemicals balance out and the depression goes away on its own.

I have been trying to figure out a way to explain what my chemical bipolar depression feels like...I think I found a description that is close enough to give you an idea of the emotions and thoughts involved. Imagine it is the middle of the night and you are 10 years old, small, insecure, scared, and against a huge brick wall. Your surrounded by a handful of people (men and women) twice your size and they are pointing, laughing, calling you names, and exploiting every flaw and fear you have. Now imagine those feelings and thoughts repeating over and over constantly, 24/7. That is what my Bipolar depression dips are like. I can fight that for about 3 days, after that I run out of mental energy and give up fighting it. Then its just a waiting game

Using Dreams To Pierce The Subconcious

I was watching, "Nova: What Are Dreams?", on Netflix instant view yesterday. A very interesting documentary that, as the title suggests, looks at why we dream and what dreams mean. There are two types of dreams, non-REM dreams and REM dreams. One cycle of sleep is around 90 minutes and happens like this: Awake, Stage 1, Stage 2, Stage 3, Stage 4, Stage 5, and REM (Rapid Eye Movement) which is the deepest form of sleep and then the cycle starts over again at Stage 1. For a normal person this cycle will happen 4 or 5 times in a single night of sleep. In the show they talk about how dreams during the first 5 stages of sleep are fast clips of information and your brain uses that to try and understand the current feelings and thoughts that were dominant for today. Then when you hit REM sleep the dream is closer to real time and the brain fills in the gaps, trying to find solutions and project future scenarios allowing your mind to explore possibilities. The show says, “dreams are relatively transparent...dreams tend to reflect people's emotional concerns and things that preoccupy them in their social lives.”

One of the scientist suggested that it is possible to control what information the dreams will concentrate on. She suggests that before you go to sleep, think about a specific concern or ask yourself a question over and over. You brain can take the most recent thought to build dreams off of unless you have a stronger emotional concern from earlier in the day. So, I decided to test this and before I went to sleep I asked myself, 'what do I need to change to be happy?' This is the dream I had and after that I will give my interpretation of that dream.

My dream after asking, 'What do I need to change to be happy?'

I went to a movie theater and was at the concession stand getting a large soda. There was a good looking girl behind the counter not doing anything but chewing gum and looking at her nails while everyone else worked. She told me she was hungry and asked me to go get her some breakfast from Burger King. I had some time before my movie started and said okay. I saw a sign outside that said there was a Burger King in the shopping center, so I started walking around the building to find it. But, I only found a McDonald's. I walked a little farther around the building and then found another McDonald's. I was starting to get hungry myself and thought a Big Mac sounded really good right now, but I was looking for a Burger King and continued my walk. I then came across another McDonald's. I thought maybe I missed something and I started to get frustrated because my movie was going to start soon and then ran back around the building, but all I could find were McDonald's. I looked down at my watch and saw that I missed the movie, it had already started. I sat down on a bench with my soda frustrated. The bench melted away and I fell into a grave in the dirt, but the dirt was black soot and there were only 3 sides. At my head the grave opened up into the apartment of the girl that was behind the concession stand, she was sitting with a friend in the kitchen eating a Burger King breakfast. Apparently, she already had plans to get breakfast with her friend, but wanted it sooner and for free so she has asked me to get it for her. I started to get angry and wanted to lunge out at her, but my back was wet. I sat up and looked down, I had landed on my soda and smashed the cup into the ground. I looked at the girl and said to myself, “fuck it”, and started to pull the soot into the grave. I covered the cup and let it pour into the girls kitchen. I filled the grave in as I climbed and got the soot level high enough inside for me to get out of the grave. Then I woke up.

My interpretation of my dream.

I should do the things I want to do and not what others want me to do. I do not need to do things to earn the affection of a women, it will never work and any woman that requires me to earn her affection is not worth my time anyway. Because, women like that use their looks to gain whatever they can from people willing to give. They will take from you until you have nothing left and then move on to the next easy target.

I should not worry about the food I eat as much as I do and eat the foods I enjoy and instead just watch the portion amounts. Listen to my cravings within reason, the mind gives us cravings for a reason. It is better to be happy, healthy, and chubby then it is to be depressed, unhealthy, and thin. I should drink less soda, quite smoking, and exercise more or I am going to put myself into an early grave.

Weight Loss Journal: 4/15/2011

Last week = 270.0
This week = 269.4
Weight loss = 0.6 lbs

I am still plateaued around 270 lbs. I think this is my comfortable weight for now. I am able to easily sustain this weight and still eat the foods I like. I do need to work out more often and when I increase my work outs my weight will go down again. But, right now I am comfortable where I am. I would rather be chubby and happy then to be skinny and miserable ;p

I will continue to weigh myself every Friday, but I won't post in this journal again unless something changes.